This may ramble, it may not. I don’t really care. I need to write about something other than politics or police brutality or whatever the fuck tonight and I don’t particularly care how it all comes out.
The last decade of my life has been transformative, and helpful, but I’m pretty sure I’d do a lot of it differently if I could. For one, I’d focus on music, not computers. I’d make different decisions with the multiple women who fell in love with me only to have me fail to understand exactly what it all meant. (I guess that’s come kind of morbid accomplishment in and of itself) I’d probably live less on credit cards and just go without. I used to be able to save up money when I was younger, but, I think that because I’ve always got a check coming, I just don’t try any longer. I’d definitely do better with my eating habits so I stayed in shape more. I’d probably have kept playing football for all four years in college.
But, to borrow from Kanye, everything I’m not made me everything I am.
Whether that’s a good thing is up for debate depending on who you talk to at any given point in time. And, it’s pretty pointless to worry about what has happened since it’s not like you can change any events or take back what has been said. It sure is fun to reflect though, isn’t it? I do wonder about how things would’ve turned out had you gone right instead of left or said no instead of yes. It all plays out in your head but there’s still no guarantee that it would’ve actually happened that way. Life has a funny way of throwing curve balls even when you think you know the outcome.
I look around at people, smiling, and wonder if they’re as happy as they seem. Is it all an act? Do they really love each other? Really hate each other as much as the venomous words coming out of their mouths indicate? Do they wish they’d done things differently in their younger days? Or, do they hope to change in the coming days/months/years? What drives them? I’d like to say that these are questions I ask myself as well but I’d probably be lying. Nobody likes a liar.
Anyway, who wants to take bets that I don’t totally take what I’ve gained the last few years and use it to completely help myself as I should? I’d take the under if I were you, I’m not terribly good at doing the right thing all the time. I know I should. I know when I’m not doing what I should, yet I continue. Perhaps it’s just a fun subconscious game I play with myself to see what new and creative ways I can come up with to give myself inspiration to write. That is the best time to be creative, right? When you’re kind of a mess? Nothing good comes out of happiness, only mushy sappy bullshit and “fakeness.” It’s all a build-up to the inevitable crash landing into being a mess once more.
Alright, I’m getting sidetracked and my focus - or, lack thereof - is getting away from this keyboard. Another glass of whiskey awaits.